Provoked: The Gavin Kielty Story—Part 1

Mothers fail us. Fathers fail us. Everybody fails us. But God’s grace is bigger than a parent’s failings and His love greater than even a human being’s most sacrificial.  In the light of His unfathomable love, ours is just plain puny. Still, for those who cry out to Him—even with puny prayers—He  fills that cavernous gap…and uses treasures in earthen vessels to do it.

The oldest dormant seed was 32,000 years old before it was “woken up” by a team of Russian scientists. Silene stenophylla, a white flowering plant native to Siberia, had been buried by an Ice Age squirrel near the banks of the Kolyma River. After careful tending by botanists, this centuries-old seed  germinated into what would become the world’s oldest botanical wonder.

The truth is, seeds don’t expire. They will keep for decades and germinate when planted under the right conditions.  This is not dissimilar to the seeds of faith-filled prayer human beings sow in service to, and out of love for, the Creator of 32,000-year-old squirrels—and the seeds of potential they bury.

“He doesn’t have to, so why do I?”

In Gavin Kelty’s case, his mother sowed seeds of salvation into her young son’s life by praying and taking him to church. In keeping with traditional family roles, she chose to be a stay-at-home mom for the first 12 years of her son’s life, giving her children plenty of nurturing while his father, a City Planner for the City of Tulare, ensured his family’s needs were always met. There was no physical or mental abuse and with the exception of his father, they attended church regularly.  Gavin also played sports.  All in all, he was raised in what would be considered a healthy identity-forming home. “My early life was pretty good, “says Gavin. So, I couldn’t really complain about anything there.”

If there was any disconnect during those early years, it was that he resented his mother for making him go to church while his father was “allowed” to opt out.  Gavin idolized his father and wanted to be just like him—including how he chose to spend his free time. Why doesn’t he have to wake up Sunday morning and go to church? Why do we have to? That’s what I asked myself,” says Gavin. “So, I was skeptical about why my mom was dragging me to church because as a little boy, I wanted to be like my dad. So, Dad’s not doing it and because of that, I don’t want to do it.”

That “It’s not fair” mindset was, perhaps, the first seeds of rebellion sown in young Gavin’s life.  It didn’t help that his father had started drinking and as a result, grew increasingly uninvolved in his son’s life while his mother grew increasingly angry.  She had come from a strict military and alcoholic home and she did not want any drinking in her own home.

But like father, like son and around the age of 13, Gavin began experimenting with alcohol and drugs and not a few other recalcitrant teen activities, none of which were good.

Frustrated, Gavin’s mom began employing the “tough love” approach—a parenting style that was popular during that era. Since her husband wouldn’t discipline their son, she was forced to, she reasoned. His way was to “talk to the boy” but in her mind, those kinds of consequence-free little chats were useless.  My dad didn’t want to call the cops—to put me in juvy or jail,” says Gavin. “He was like, no, I’m not cool with this. I don’t want to do this. But my mom would force him.”

Everybody’s Angry

Ironically, though his dad may have been more the relational parent,  his drinking had reached a point where he was no longer able to be the “listening ear” his son needed when he did have a problem. “You can be a functioning alcoholic and still work and yet really not be present at home,” says Gavin. “Your focus every day is getting to that next drink rather than thinking about, well, how is my son doing? Or how does my daughter feel?”

Everybody was angry. Mom’s angry with dad for drinking, not going to church and for not taking a tougher stance with their son.  Dad’s angry with mom for constantly berating him. And the son is angry with mom for making him go to church when dad didn’t have to and also for calling the police every time he stepped out of line. Because she’s supposed to the nurturer; instead, she’s the parent who lays down the law. And on it goes.

Things reached a head when his lay-down-the-law mother had Gavin put on probation at age 15. “She searched my room,  found some paraphernalia and made my dad take me down to the police department,” says Gavin.  ‘What, really?’ I’d say. ‘You’re going to have me arrested and put me on probation for having a weed pipe?  You’re not my friend. You’re not on my side. You’re not on my team.’  That’s what I believed.”

Splitsville

“As someone who grew up in a household with volatile parents, let me tell you I prayed for them to get divorced…prayed to God! ‘If there is a God, make my parents get divorced,’ I’d plead. Well, He didn’t  hear me, or think much of my prayer, I guess.” –Quora comment

The constant fighting between his parents was taking its toll. An angry mother and an alcoholic father does not a happy marriage make. And if the parents’ ain’t happy (not just “mom”) the kids won’t be either.  “My mom wanted to wait until the kids were gone before she made that move [divorce], which kind of backfired,” says Gavin.” I think she should have. Instead, it just dragged out the marriage and made an unhappy household for the next 10 to 12 years.”

Given all the volatility going on at home—though admittedly tame compared to the childhood horror stories of many people with drug and alcohol problems—it’s not surprising that Gavin made the choices he did. These days, it doesn’t take much to either light the flame, or fuel it. The ubiquitous breakdown of the family means peer pressure becomes an even greater outside threat. And rebellious kids influencing other rebellious kids is a foolproof recipe for societal disaster.

There’s a Meth to His Madness

In Gavin’s case, his propensity to live in one long protracted reaction to his childhood  is what drove much of his rebellion.  But “ready or not,” adulthood comes along and society expects adult behavior.

Gavin had to make a living.  And he had the skills—union-level carpentry, welding, fabrication, he was adept at  them all. But the jobs were short lived.  “I’d work, but eventually I’d screw that job up because of being too high on the weekend and not being able to get to work on time on Monday,” says Gavin.  “And sometimes, I just wouldn’t show up at all.”

Drug use and the identity theft he used to fund his addiction, was Gavin’s pattern up until his late 30s. He had a long stretch of not getting into trouble in California, but only because he had moved to Las Vegas for seven years; however, when he moved back to his home state, there was trouble with a capital “T.” Still, county probation figured he must have been doing something right for him to stay out of trouble for so long. So in their mind, this had to just be a temporary slip up. Because of this,  Gavin got sent up for only six months. It was during that time he lost everything—his car, his apartment and all his possessions.   [continued in Part Two ]

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For some, hitting rock bottom becomes a crushing hopelessness that activates the proverbial trap door hidden beneath—plunging the person into a “no turning back” decision. For others, it becomes, as author J.K. Rowling shares, “the solid foundation on which I built my life.”  In Part 2 of “Provoked”, we’ll find out what it took for Gavin to choose to live differently—building his life on a whole new foundation. (Part Two.)