Michelle Blood – “Nothin’ at All” (The Poem)
Y0u can read Michelle’s story in narrative form or you read her story as a poem. In style, this narrative poem is not dissimilar to Paul Revere’s Ride.(Though strictly speaking, it’s closer to Dr. Seuss both in rhythm and in simplicity of language, as well as invented words.)
In life experience, as you will see, it differs.When Paul Revere sounded the alarm that “the British are coming, the British are coming,” everyone heeded–then intervened to save the day. In Michelle’s case, no one heeded. But then again, her cry for help—while screaming— was a silent one. And the enemy not without—but within.
Nothin’ at All – Michelle’s Story.
Michelle had a crappy childhood; her adulthood was worse.
To abuse she was fettered, it felt like a curse.
Her parents let her drink; she got SA’d at ten.
All she ever wanted was that one true friend.
Diagnosed schizophrenic, her dad was frenetic,
Paranoid and delusional, he was cruel and unusual.
He didn’t protect his daughter, only mocked her pain,
Confusion followed and feelings she couldn’t explain.
Teased and bullied and mocked at school,
Michelle learned early on that life can be cruel.
She sought for love in all the wrong places,
They became all the same, just a dark blur of faces.
Michelle ran away, got into hot water.
Did drugs and other things, not like she oughter.
Because of abuse, she was angry and mean and a bit of a bully,
She had become her father’s daughter, though not quite fully.
Unhappy and restless, she turned to the street,
Trying to survive was no mean feat.
She came to the Mission, got a bed and three squares.
Didn’t like the rules, thought them unfair.
“You’re just ‘tools’ with rules…I ain’t comin’ back.”
I’ll do what I want, others can take up the slack
So she left. And returned. Left again and got burned.
All because of the drugs and the freedom for which she yearned.
But freedom isn’t free, it cost quite a lot,
It exacts a steep price, then leaves you to rot.
When you take the wrong drug in hopes of a high,
You can lose your life quickly, without any goodbyes.
Michelle thought about the Mission; she thought about it a lot.
“I may not like it out here, but I like it less there.
It feels cramped and confined, they feel like my jailer,
Except there’s something they’ve got, not sure what it is,
But it keeps calling me back, like a siren to a sailor.”
In and Out…In and Out, addiction is one long drive thru.
Always coming and going, never staying in one place,
When you’re high you forget you’re part of the human race.
You say goodbye, Arrivederci, I’m through.
But try as you might, it’s still true: Wherever you go, there’s you.
In and Out…In and Out, you feel shame and then blame,
Ain’t nobody gonna tell you, it’s not a dangerous game,
People try to help, but you’ll do what you do,
You’re sorry, then not sorry; you cause pain to yourself and others too.
While you know what is right, you still do what is wrong.
‘Cus the body screams, “Feed me!” and that’s your life’s song.
Someday you’ll stop. That’s what you say,
Someday I’ll get right with God. Someday I’ll pray.
Until then, leave me alone. I’ll make my own way.
But they didn’t give up, they kept taking her back.
She kept saying “Say-o-nara.” They kept saying we love you, “We’re-for-ya.”
Their persistence paid off; Michelle finally caved,
She got down on her knees, she wept and she prayed.
Her life now has changed; her heart most of all,
She’s kept the faith, she’s heeded the call.
She’s got a place of her own; she does what is right,
She works hard in the day, sleeps peacefully at night.
Her kids have returned after being taken away,
Her grandkids now visit, they run and they play.
Michelle’s found love and acceptance, her past is a blur,
She now works at the Mission; she helps people like her.
The Mission changed her life; it can change yours too,
No it’s not perfect, not even close.
But they do know the secret, which is no secret at all,
God is close to the broken hearted, to those who make Him their all.
Now the lesson Michelle’s learned, and is learning still,
It’s a truth you should speak, three times a day, a sweet pill.
Speak to the heavens after you call on His name,
Each morning and night, this one truth proclaim:
His love is true when I feel pious, it’s true when I feel far away,
It’s true when I feel hopeful, it’s true when I can’t pray.
It’s true when I’m right, it’s true when I’m wrong,
It’s true when I act perfectly, it’s true when I act unfortunately.
It’s true when I feel loved, like a beautiful bride,
It’s true when I feel ugly and just want to hide.
It’s true when I’m a Fortune 500 success, it’s true when I’m a financial mess.
It’s true when I rise to the top, it’s true when I plunge down a 50 ft. drop.
It’s true when I’ve won a big race, it’s true when I’ve fallen flat on my face.
It’s true when people have my back, it’s true when they talk smack.
It’s true when I show love to my sister and brother,
It’s true when I think of myself and no other.
It’s true when I know the truth and filled with God’s love, I share it,
It’s true when I act self-righteous and people can’t bear it.
It’s true when I feel like God’s ordained paramedic,
It’s true when I feel dry and apathetic.
It’s true when He says “I love you, please stay,”
It’s true when my shame drives me away.
Now I’ve been through a lot, thrown into the abyss
And I don’t know much, but I do know this…
God’s love is consistent, it’s not fickle or faint,
It’s a beautiful picture of me that He paints.
I’ll hold onto Him and let His love be my all,
Because without you Lord, I got nothin’…nothin’ at all.
